If you live in a suburban house like me then you probably also have a problem with raccoons congregating on your porch and just generally invading your property. When I say raccoons, I of course mean Mexicans. Despite the obvious similarities; they're both a brownish-blackish color, they have tails and mites, and you hope that one of them doesn't get your daughter pregnant, Mexicans, like raccoons, are just plain annoying. They're always scurrying around the yard at night, digging through the trash and leaving little Mexican poops underneath my car. Ugh. Sometimes I just want to grab one of them by their neck scruff and shake the shit out of 'em.
After a few weeks of cleaning up trash from tipped trash cans, I came up with some surefire ways to prevent Mexicans from defecating on your porch and doing other raccoonly things.
- When they get by your porch you can stomp your foot and make a sharp "Chhhh!" noise. Or you can clap your hands loudly and say, "Shoo Mexican! Shoo!"
- Pretend like you picked up a rock and are about to throw it at them. Works everytime.
- Actually pick up a rock and throw it at them. Also works every time.
- As you walk out to get your mail in the morning say very loudly to no one in particular that you think you saw the Cucuy (pronounced Cu-koo-ee) last night. The Cucuy is the Spanish version of the boogie man and he's fucking terrifying.
- Spray them with the hose.
- Take some books and lay them out on the lawn. Books are pretty much like kryptonite for Mexicans.
- Lay some really big mouse traps outside, but instead of using cheese as bait, you can use ignorance. Mexicans love ignorance. On second thought, Mexicans love cheese too. That'll probably work. (Other things Mexicans love that you can use for bait include: bad haircuts, Curve Cologne, Carne Guisada (delicious), a pinata, pregnant teenagers, the classifieds section of a newspaper with all the masonry, landscaping and painting jobs circled.)
Fuckin' A. That's the American dream, baby.
p.s. I totally posted this at E.C. first.
8 Comments:
Liston,
I usually just enjoy your work, but this one is actually really helpful since I live near LA. I'll have to start utilizing these methods because blaring Vicente Fernandez and holding weekly garage sales haven't been working.
Does this work equally on Guatemalans? Not too many Mexicans here, but Guats-a-plenty.
I didn't know there was a difference, but I've learned that Guats are, on average, 5'4" tall, as opposed to their northern neighbors, who average a lusty 5'4.36". The 'Malans are very quick to point this out, just before they piss and puke at their bar stools, then get thrown headfirst out into the street.
Your penultimate bullet point was taken from a Chris Rock act, in which he riffed lovingly about the more unsavory members of his persuasion.
That really is a minor quibble, though. This was very helpful. You complete me.
JP: Glad to help. That is a common misconception about Vicente Fernandez. We hate that guy.
I.B.C.: You got a little too smart for me at the end of your comment there. I'll assume it was something deragatory so screw you.
Liston
Why do you post at Epic Carnival? It's a shitstorm over there.
Anon,
That's pretty insulting. To shitstorms, I mean.
Hopefully, you'll try not to suck next time
Nah, that's sorta my thing.
Liston
Ok, I'm a Mexican and most of those things in that list are pretty scary.
Post a Comment