Oh, man. I love that movie!

note: I normally don't write things about my personal life but I had to start with this: My wife is pregnant! That's right. Liston Von Culbertson is going to be a father. I'm so excited. At first I was a little skeptical because my wife and I have not had intercourse for thirteen months, but it turns out women can "catch" pregnancy in a similar fashion to the way one catches a cold. My wife even sent me a link to a doctor's website confirming that you can catch a cold-like pregnancy virus. He's a doctor so I believe him. My wife told me that she must've caught the pregnancy virus a few days ago. She said she was at Wal-Mart and there was a group of pregnant women in her way. When she tried to walk around them one of the pregnant women sneezed on her and that's why she's pregnant. Can you believe it?! We weren't even really trying it just sorta happened. It's just such a blessing. God is good like that I guess. When I told Ray (my neighbor) that my wife was pregnant he went all crazy. He must've thought I wasn't going to hang out with him anymore or something because he just kept saying, "Oh my god. What did I do?! Oh my god! My family. What did I do?! This isn't happening. What am I going to do?!". I told him we would still be able to hang out and then explained how my wife got pregnant. He just shook his head and walked off. He's a good friend. I'll keep you posted as the pregnancy progresses. -Liston
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I'm real impressionable. Like, big time. You remember when you were little and there was that kid that always just copied what everybody said. Like if you said, "Man, the Ninja Turtles are so gay." he'd say, "Yeah, they are so gay." and then you said, "Siked your mind. Ninja Turtles are terrific." he'd go, "Freakin' right, man. They are terrific." Well that's how I am. It usually doesn't interfere with my life too much except for one situation: When I watch movies.

Oh man, some movies get me so geeked. My wife stopped going to the movies with me because whenever we would be watching a killer movie I would get so crazy that I would just start yelling and then take my shirt off. I mean, whenever I watch a really good movie I automatically want to do what they did in the movie. Like, after I watched I watched Rocky I wanted to be a boxer and after I watched Jurassic park I wanted to be a dinosaur. These are some movies that got me real geeked:

The Last Dragon


Holy crap. As soon as this movie was over (and I mean at the exact second it was over) I kicked my little brother in the neck. He started screaming and fidgeting around on the floor and my mom was like, "Liston! What did you do?!" and I was like, "I kicked him in the neck, Sho-nuff style, that's what I did. Who's the master?". She screamed "Call 911!" and I said, "I ....can't... hear.... you. Who's the master?!" Any time I liked a girl at school I would ask her to teach me some moves and once during gym class I made everyone watch me as I tried to make myself glow. I made my body so tense that a tiny bit of poop squeezed out. I took off my underwear and hid them in some schmoe's locker. God, that was a good movie.

Robocop



This movie may have single-handedly dimished my parent's unconditional love for me. After I watched this movie I immediately started speaking in a robotic voice, swore my allegiance to uphold the law, and took apart my dad's lawnmower and tried to construct my own Robo-suit. On numerous occasions, in the middle of being disciplined by my mom I would just blurt out, "Robocop, Robocop, Robocop," real fast like 50 times and start dancing like a robot.

Let's say Jesus Christ came over to my house and we were rocking out or whatever. If at seven o'clock Jesus said, "Liston, I have to go. My dad is in the car outside to pick me up." Robocop is what I would expect to step out of that car. I mean, c'mon, he's a frigg'n crime fighting robot! HE IS A CRIME FIGHTING ROBOT!

Rudy



I still have a copy of the application I sent to (and the rejection letter from) Notre Dame. The day I saw this movie was the first time I saw my father cry (and the last time I respected him).

No Holds Barred



If there was a standardized checklist as to what makes a movie perfect it would look like this:

A standardized checklist for a perfect movie:

1. Does it have Hulk Hogan in it?

End of list. While The Last Dragon made me want to kick stuff and Kickboxer made me hate Asians, No Holds Barred simply made me cry. It is that good. Period.

The Princess Bride



Yeah, I'm a fag, whatever. After I saw this movie I went to school carrying a car antenna and started telling everyone that I was a deadly spanish sword fighter. I spent the whole day giving this kid shit trying to get him to fight me. Finally, at the end of the day he decided he had had enough and said, "Look you little punk. I'm gonna smash your face in." I looked him dead in his eyes and said, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." and everyone was like, "whhhaaaaaa?" and then he punched me in the mouth. It was so sweet.

Gladiator



Have you ever seen a grown man wearing a skirt, a football helmet, and weilding a sword made of cardboard and aluminum foil? Well Officer Jennings of the Houston Police Dept. and the rest of the prisoners of Harris County Jail have. (I did not know you could get arrested for forcefully making children participate in Gladiator battles. Did you?)

Kickboxer



After I watched this movie I was so freaking geeked I decided to copy Van Damme and try to kick a tree out of the ground with my bare leg. I kicked the tree exactly one time and then fell on the floor and screamed bloody murder. Not such a good moment for me, but remember the scene where the old guy tells all the guys in the bar that Van Damme said their mom sleeps with mules. Then drunk Van Damme whoops all them punks after he dances with their chicks. So sweet. I'm not gay, but it gave me a total hard-on.

Boyz N The Hood



If you don't think I was at work the day after I saw this with that same shirt Cuba Gooding Jr. has on then you are a fool my friend. This movie inspired me so much I have recently begun forming my own gang. Actually, to be more specific, I only watched half of that movie but everything seemed to be headed in a good direction. That Rickey sure has a bright future. And I'm sure Doughboy turned his life around.

Blade



I swear to God that as I was walking out of the movie theater from this film, on my way to the barber to get my Blade-style haricut, I was on the phone quitting my job. I wanted to focus all of my attention on becoming a full time vampire hunter. No joke. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that none of the major Vampire Hunting firms were hiring.


White Men Can't Jump



This movie still gets me all crazy. As a matter of fact, I watched this movie one evening three weeks ago. Here's a timeline of that evening's events:

• 6:30- The movie begins
  
• 6:35- I've taken my shirt off.
  
• 8:15- The movie is over
  
• 8:30- I'm at the park in my hypercolor hat and grey socks waitin' on my chance to get on the court and hustle the brothas.
  
• 9:15- Still waiting.
  
• 9:50- Still waiting (and hungry.)
  
• 10:25- Informed by a young man that I must call "next" to get in the game. (That part was not in the movie.)
  
• 10:40- Get in game and immediately challenge the darkest-Wesley-Snipest-guy on the court to a $63 best of five shooting contest from the top of the key.
  
• 10:48- Sitting in my car holding my eye and explaining to a police officer what the assailants looked like.

Oh yeah. Just like the movie.

If you completely understood the feelings I was talking about while you read this you can email me at YouHaveLowSelfEsteem[at]gmail.com




The second part of the 14 part "Join my Gang and Have all the Respect" series will be posted in a few days with an application for membership consideration.