You Don't Believe In Me? Fine. I Don't Believe In You. Pt.1

You know who's smart? Like, really really smart? Sports fans, that's who. Bloggers are really smart as well. So it's easy to see, using simple if-a-then-b-logic, that sports fan bloggers are doubley smart. I don't understand why an NBA executive doesn't just give me or some other sports fan their highly scrutinized, multi-million dollar sports franchise that they worked their entire lives to earn. I mean, the proof is in the pudding. Take a look at this list of my sports-related accomplishments:

1. I starred on my middle school basketball team averaging 4.6 ppg.
   
2. I got all the way to the second round of the playoffs on NBA 2K7. Twice.
   
3. I graduated college (2.37 G.P.A) and seriously considered graduate school.
   
4. I have literally seen tens of tens of NBA games.
   
5. I own Ultimate Michael Jordan on DVD.
   
6. I subscribe to ESPN the magazine. (although my balance is outstanding)
   
7. I can easily name 16 of the thirty-some-odd NBA teams.

Impresive, huh. But while I, like you, am obviously qualified to run an NBA franchise I have never even been asked to. And it's not like they've never heard of me; for the last 8 years at the beginning of each season I have gone to each team's website and filled out an employment application. (My NBA contacts assured me that's how the current NBA hiring system works for players and GM's. Matter of fact, under "Position Desired" I always put "Coach", "Guard" and "G.M." because I heard that's how Isiah got his job.) Heck, I am willing to bet that even though you write/read a kick-ass blog or have coached your kid's YMCA team or kind of understand a pick and roll(?) they have never asked you either. Honestly, it's a bit insulting and it kind of hurts my feelings. It's like they don't think I'm good enough. Pffft. They must not know that when I watch my local sports team play a game and the team tries something that doesn't work I write terrifically inciteful things in my blog like, "the local team should not have tried that" or "the local team should have tried something that would have worked better". I mean, those criticisms are gold but NBA franchises continue to ignorantly run their teams with seasoned professionals and educated businessmen. What-ev, NBA.

Well I think turnabout is fair play. If you don't believe in me then I don't believe in you. What I have done is scoured the NBA and picked out a few coaches/executives that have done a not so great job themselves. And since the NBA feels I wouldn't be a good replacement for them at their jobs, I've also taken the liberty to compile a list of things that would be better than them at it.

1. Coach Avery Johnson

I'll be the first to tell you, I love Avery Johnson. I loved him as a player, his cajun accent is delightful, and all 48 of his teeth are impeccably well groomed. But as a coach, you can keep him. He's great in the regular season, and as long as his team is physically overpowing they win, but his last two playoff exits have seriously hurt his credibility. (from Phil the Statisician: A team that's great in the regular season and not great in the playoffs is the same as a girl who flirts with you the entire night and then shuts it down once it's time to take her home. You just get left feeling confused and let down and nobody wants that.) Avery is the coaching equivalent to one of those dollar store remote control cars that can only go forwards or backwards. He'll get you where you want to go unless there's something in his way, like a Pat-Riley-rock or Don-Nelson-stick. Then he's stuck. Sorry, coach, but in a big game against a seasoned coach I'd rather have any one of these things coaching my team:

• A box of hair
  
• Keith Richards' headband
  
• A dirty pair of jeans
  
• A mounted buffalo head
  
• A container of orange Tic-Tacs
  
• A dead cell phone

After writing this article I actually found this advertisement for a remote control car that will be released in February of 2008:



If you buy this you should know that it'll probably stop working sometime around mid-May.

2. and 3. Coach Doc Rivers and Executive Danny Ainge

I'm pretty sure that conversation happened just like that.

What do you do with a coach whose team has lost 59% of the games played under him? Apparently you give him a sweet striped shirt and a 5 million extension, duh. And how did Danny Ainge justify that extension?:

"Doc is a leader and I have all the confidence in the world in Doc as coach of the Celtics."

-Danny Ainge

Having Danny Ainge give you managerial compliments is akin to a special-ed student telling you he thinks you're smart. People may tend to forgive recent their transgressions because Doc and Danny have landed some big fish this summer, but not me. I left my peace shoes at home. At least before this year they didn't really have a good team to screw up so the season didn't seem that terrible for Celtic Fan. Now? Well, remember that scene in Scent of A Woman where blind Al Pacino is flying that awesome ferrari down the road? I imagine for Celtic fan this season is going to feel a lot like Chris O'Donnell did as he rode shotgun with blind Al Pacino. Like this:



HOO-aaa!

Here is a list of pairs that I'd choose to run my team before I'd pick the inadvertent basketball Laurel and Hardy to run it:

• Some glue and a piece of construction paper
  
• A bottle of Febreze and a swatch of musty carpet
  
• Stephen Jackson and a hand gun
  
• The homeless guy by my house and his bottle filled with dirt that he angrily shakes at cars
  
• The Road Warriors- Animal and Hawk
  
• Morgan Freeman and voice over movie roles

I'll leave you with this. In light of all of the Tim Donaghy and David Stern talk I've been all geeked up about conspiracy theories. I've been researching them like crazy. I thought it'd be interesting to share this really good one that I found regarding Mr. Ainge and Mr. Rivers. Be warned, this is pretty spooky.

If you take all the letters from both of their full names:

D-a-n-i-e-l-R-a-y-A-i-n-g-e-G-l-e-n-n-A-n-t-o-n-R-i-v-e-r-s


then scramble them up and mix them together:

e-D-g-a-n-n-i-i-e-A-y-a-R-l-s-G-r-l-e-e-v-n-i-n-A-R-n-n-t-o

then erase them completely:



then replace them with these letters:

h-c-o-a-C-d-a-n-M-G-y-c-p-a-p-r-o-f-d-n-i-k

then unscramble those letters, you see that their names are really acronyms for:

Kind of crappy GM and Coach


That's amazing, right. I got goosebumps the first time I read it.