Super Interesting Event

The other day I was commisioned to do a recap of a sporting event for an independent paper. The editor said it was the first time they had ever covered this event because it's not something he thought his readers would like to read about. He told me what the event was and told me to make it interesting for 19-24 year old males. The title I used here is the title that appeared also. Here's the story I turned in:

Picture this: There's a totally ripped dude. He's standing on top of a mountain with thunder and lightning crashing down all around him. The ripped dude, we'll call him Carl, is holding a dagger in his left hand and a human skull in his right. Carl is flanked by Magellan, a magic black panther that was trained by a wizard. Carl is wearing a business suit, there's nothing unordinary about this business suit, except for the fact that it is made of $500 bills sewn together with the hair of elves! On a smaller mountain, adjacent to the one Carl is standing on, you can see two beautiful unicorns battling each other. One of the unicorns, the one that represents good, is pure white, while the other unicorn, the evil unicorn, is as black as the night is long.

There are hundreds of Russian Mafia members and Yakuza henchman laying slain at Carl's feet. One lone Russian Mafia member is still alive. He's standing at the bottom of the mountain that Carl is standing on top of. His name is also Carl, but he spells it with a "K". The camera zooms in supertight on Carl's eyes. They're unblinking and red with rage. Then the camera zooms in super tight on Karl's eyes. His eyes are also red with rage, but it's evil rage -the worst kind of rage. Carl lets out roar and then flies down the mountainside, literally. Then Karl let's outs a roar and flies up the mountainside, figuratively. They clash together near the middle of the mountain with a thunderous boom! It's the most epic battle the universe has ever seen. Carl crushes Karl's windpipe with his bare hands, no matter because Karl is an evil spawn from hell and evil spawns from hell don't breath oxygen, they breath the fear of unborn babies. Through their eyes! Karl then slashes Carl across his face with his fire sword. (Oh yeah, Karl was carrying a fire sword. A fire sword is like a light saber, but instead of being gay, it rocks the shit.) Carl falls to the ground, permanently blinded by the blow of the fire sword. Karl triumphantly stands over Carl. He slowly raises the fire sword into the air, ready to end Carl's life. "I will enjoy this" bellows Karl in his unnervingly deep voice. "Wait, before you kill me there's one thing I need to tell you..." pleads Carl. "What is it, fool?" says Karl. "I just want to tell you to..." begins Carl, and at that exact moment Magellan, the magic panther, pounces on Karl and rips his face off with his magical face shredding fangs! Blindly, Carl struggles to his feet. He is bloodied and battered, but not beaten. "Thanks old friend" says Carl. "now about my blindness." Magellan licks Carl's eyeballs and Carl's vision is immediately restored.

The rain begins to let up and in the background we see a lone unicorn standing victorious. It's the white unicorn, the good unicorn. The unicorn and Carl lock eyes. The unicorn nods. Carl nods back. The unicorn picks his front two hooves up off the floor so he is standing on his hind legs only and then he whips out a steak and starts eating it, big time. Awesome, right? Do you know what the sports equivalent to that is? The Little League World Series Championship game, that's what.

There's only one thing I know about the Little League World Series and that's that America owns at it. No foreign team has ever scored a run on us*, let alone beat us**. As a matter of fact, in 1938 Lyn Xi of the Japanese little league team was awarded second base when an official made a very questionable call***. Several months later World War 2 started. I didn't really research it, but I'm pretty sure one caused the other****.

Watch the championship game of the Little League World Series today. If you don't then you will get cancer*****. For real.

-Liston


* this is not true
** this is not true either
*** I made this up also.
**** I didn't read anything that said this wasn't true, so you never know.
***** "get cancer" is obviously used here as a metaphor meaning "not get to watch little kids play baseball"

p.s. they actually paid me for this.